“There are three ways to ultimate success: The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind.” –Fred Rogers
“In the end, only kindness matters.” –Jewel
There have been times in the last few weeks when the words of Jewel and my friend Fred have seemed hopelessly quaint. I have not been alone in wondering whether aspirations to greater kindness and compassion and human decency have been naïve, idealistic in the extreme, even outright wrong. One of the most difficult aspects of this time for me is how utterly disorientating it has been.
But then, very tentatively as recent days have passed, I have begun to poke my head out of my gopher hole. I found a wonderfully cold and utterly pristine autumn day along the Trinity River, where I was treated to the laughter of children walking along the water with their families. I have found heightened pleasure in a perfectly struck chord on my acoustic guitar. (Trust me, it doesn’t happen often.) I luxuriated in the love and laughter around the Thanksgiving table with those I love most. And as I’ve poked my head out, I’ve found so many of you, my community, who have shared my pain and disorientation and confusion. There has been significant comfort in that.
But I’ve sensed something else going on, a great clarifying and coalescing taking place around the belief that Jewel and Fred Rogers had it right all along. The ultimate answer to what ails us as a species, and clearly, many things do, is basic kindness, compassion and love. And as the days pass, more and more of us now dare to quietly but firmly affirm that truth.
There is no denying this has been a tough time. As we process the recent twists and turns in the world, it also helps that there has been a lot of great writing and insights about the increasingly essential art of suffering. The author Anne Lamott has been very transparent about her own in recent essays that she most generously posted on Facebook. I recently came across another essay by Brad Stulberg, author of Master of Change: How to Excel when Everything is Changing, Including You. In it he writes about something called, “Tragic optimism.”
“Tragic optimism means acknowledging, accepting and even expecting that life will contain hardship and hurt, then doing everything we can to move forward with a positive attitude anyway,” Stulberg said. “It recognizes that one cannot be happy by trying to be happy all the time, or worse yet, assuming we ought to be. Rather, tragic optimism holds space for the full range of human experience and emotion, giving us permission to feel happiness and sadness, hope and fear, loss and possibility — sometimes in the same day, and even in the same hour.”
Finally, ultimate faith in kindness as the way forward does not mean anything goes. I heard this story about Fred Rogers in 2006, at a book signing in Pittsburgh around the time my memoir, I’m Proud of You, was first published. It has stayed with me because it makes an important point.
I think the man’s name at the bookstore was Douglas. Douglas introduced himself and said that he had become a very successful businessman in Pittsburgh, but as a teenager he had been rather incorrigible. His parents were good friends of Fred and Joanne Rogers, and thought that some time living under Fred’s roof might help straighten him out. That’s how Douglas became part of the Rogers household.
One afternoon, Douglas scored a bottle of whiskey and some cigarettes, which he and a girlfriend decided to enjoy in one of Fred’s bedrooms, thinking they had the place to themselves. You know what happened next. The great man walked in unexpectedly, and was none too pleased.
“Douglas,” Fred said. “This is absolutely unacceptable.”
The young lady was quickly sent home. I’m sure there were consequences for Douglas. Fred Rogers embodied kindness and compassion in a historic way. He was also no doormat.
So yes, the last few weeks have been tough, but I’m happy to report that life outside the gopher hole remains grand. There is so much to be grateful for, including this: I'm now convinced that kindness movement is alive and well. In some important respects, I think it has just begun.
